Besides what has been happening between Megan and I and my whole foundation being ripped out from underneath me; my father used to make over 6 figures with the company he worked for. Somehow the company wasn't getting paid, so my family would go 3-5 months in between paychecks. Also, he took a 60-70 percent decrease in pay. We were literally forced to change out habits and our lifestyle.

During this time with the company not paying my father, we had no choice but to use every penny out of our savings accounts, IRA's, and 401k's and out even out of my personal savings account. Every account was drained. We were getting late on our bills, and we slowly began not being even able to afford to put food on the table. Thankfully, our church as a Food Storage system and we were able to qualify to use the system to get groceries through our church warehouse. We probably did this for about a year, maybe more. I can't remember, and I don't know the full details because I didn‘t want to know.

Since we were getting very little income and would randomly receive a paycheck, my mother picked up a job. My father hasn't been able to find a job anywhere in his field.
With my car being broken, I have been using the van to go to work, and since I took so much time off work while Megan was home, I have had zero money because of the late fee's and shit. I went to ask my parents to see if they could fill up the van or hand me a few dollars so I could do get gas. They said they had no money and then I had a feeling something was wrong.

I called Zach and asked if I could get a ride to work for tomorrow(Wednesday) and he said that I could borrow his Jeep, but I had to find a way to get to the house. My mother said she could take me and asked if I could drive. On the way to the house, she broke down and started to tell me about how much deep financial issues we are in, being late with bills, everything just rapidly going down hill. Since my father hasn't had any luck trying to find a job in months, and my mothers job, we aren't even breaking even.. Her income can't even cover the bills, and pretty much told me that I'm the only one my family who has a job.

Apparently my mother has tried to talk to my father about trying to sell the house, or one of the cars, or to sell the house and move back home to Utah to be with our family because everything we have around us is rapidly depleting. My father being a prideful man, won't budge, he doesn't want to do anything, and doesn't want to give up. Apparently they have asked my older siblings for help but they just shrug us off and tell us about how bad are decisions have been. I don't know the full story about that, but this is what my mother has been telling me. She even said she's about to lose her job if she can't pull money into her work for donations for Amvets. We finally get to the house in Powell, and since my walls are already broken, and shattered, I gave my mother a hug and told her I loved and we'll find a way to get something to work for us.

I walk into the house and sit on the island and Matthew asked what's up and I just lost everything, and I just wept. Tears were flowing out of my eyes. Zach came down in the middle and they just both put there heads down and just watched. After a few minutes, Matthew finally said something about how it's always darkest before the down and things will start to look better eventually, they have to.

All this news about my family and things with Megan, has just literally broke me down. We can't even afford gas right now in our cars until one of us gets paid. Until I get paid.

I can't recall the last time anyone as ever seen me this low, so depressed, and completely break down and just lose it. I don't even know what to do, where to start, or how to fix any of this. I'm usually very quick on my feet to find a solution but not this time. Everything I know just seems to collapse...

I was just hit with so much heavy burdens and everything is weighing heavily on my shoulders. I just wanted to share with people and just get this off my chest. If you guys have any input or anything, feel free to share. I can try and clarify things if you want.

When it rains, it pours. This is what is happening in the current chapter of my life.

I'm sorry to hear about all of this, Taylor.

I know how rough it may be, and I imagine very stressful considering everything going on around you.

Just know, if you feel as though you've hit the bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.

Keep your head up, and if there is anything that I can do, don't hesitate to ask.

If you move to FL, you know there's a room for you man.

I wish I could help with finances and give you a donation but I'm pretty much living paycheck to paycheck right now with the move coming up.

Damn man….

You aren't kidding about when it rains it pours.

As if what you are dealing with already isn't enough to take on, even assuming everything else was smooth as silk.

What kind of work was your dad in? Never know maybe someone here has something to help with. I dealt a lot in smaller corps and unions, maybe something might be around. Can't hurt to try.

I can't picture the fear you all are dealing with, not being sure how things will work out or when, key is to know they will. You just have to stay on them and it'll turn around.

I can understand your dad's pride but in this case it's not helping, it's good to be proud of yourself but you can't let it hurt those who you care about and are dependent on you. He's going to need to come to terms with that.

This kind of stuff shouldn't happen to good people

As said before if you need anything, just let me know.

Things will work out, some how. Its' the hard times in life that make us stronger people just keep that in your head.

He does a lot of computer programming and I mean he does a lot.

A couple of positive things today.

Mikey(Archidictus), his son and his father came over today to help me work on my car and help diagnose the problem. Before they came, I jacked up the car and spun the wheels and found out that my driver side wheel wasn't spinning. I gave that a thought and a few minutes later, they showed up. We looked and took the caliper off found out the piston was shot. Luckily I had ordered a new caliper about a month earlier and we threw it on. I know, it's not safe to use old pads and rotors but I'm broke and we did it anyways.

We bled the system and the brake issue was looking to be solved. We put everything together and my wheels turned. Everything was working.

At that moment, I just lost it again, finally something good had happened. They gave me a hug and some positive words were exchanged and they left.

I put my car about 80 percent back together and took it around the block and was just happy. Finally happy.

Later tonight, a friend is taking me out to the bar to shoot some pool and shoot the shit so I'm thrilled about that. Tomorrow, Megan will pay my cell phone bill that she promised to do, and things are just looking up.

As for stuff with Megan, we haven't talked for a few days, well since she confessed about everything, she sent me an email saying that she was sorry for not talking to me and she wanted to let me know how things were going and shit, how she wanted to let me know that I can come to her for anything since I'm "still a very important part of her life, more then I could imagine." I gave her my phone account stuff so she could get that squared away. Once that gets done, I'm pretty sure I'm going to cut all communication off from her.

I don't know what else to do other then that, I'm still hurt a lot about it.

Clifss:

Car is fixed, mostly.
Going to a bar tonight.

Happy to hear you had a great day!

It's good to know your car is on the route to being done, getting some progress must really have taken the stress off a bit.

I can't say how much extra respect I grew for Mike for helping you. Stuff like that shows there is some good in the world and people stick together and make dark times better.

A good night out is just what you need to end a good day. Have a great time!

I think you might want to tell Megan things are hard and you are mixed up and be honest you won't talk to her for a bit, if not again. But that's your call to deal with.

Either way man, happy to hear and keep up with the good news!

Mike and his family has been my best friends for quite some time now. Mike is actually my neighbor(2 minute drive from the neighborhood) and his dad is about 10 minutes North from the two of us.

The car is driving fine, I just have to put the center console back in, radio, minor things like that.

It was just getting time and some motivation going. It's such a sigh of relief.

As for Megan, I sent her the two versions of the letter that some of you guys saw the other day, and I think it really rattled her cage a bit. I promised I would pay her back for helping me, so that's one of a few things I am working on. But after tomorrow, it's going to be good bye for a while. Minus when I tell her that money is on way.

It's just a huge sigh of relief and hopefully I can keep up this positivity and keep moving forward.

So it's been a week I think and here's a little update I guess.

I have been spending a lot of time hanging out with friends that I sort of lost touch then even though all my friends are in the same group. It's been easy to just be myself and not "think" about what's going on.

It just sucks because when I'm not busy, and when I'm relaxed, that's when my mind wanders and starts to think about Megan and I get so depressed and my hearts start to race. I quickly find myself doing a load of laundry or something to try and not think about everything.

My two biggest fears are feeling alone and how people remember my name.

Right now, the first fear is obviously apparent and can be seen by everyone and it beats me down every day. The second is hitting more harder because I feel so vulnerable and embarrassed that people are seeing this side of me. I'm supposed to be strong and not show these to people. I feel like I'm failing and people are seeing my weaknesses and it's just beating me down.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and I want to just put everything in the past but it's just wearing me down. I know I'm not Superman but it's just embarrassing and I feel like a huge mess.

People have to like you for who you are and stick around through the toughest times in your life. That's also how you can gauge who your friends are. When all is said and done, you will be strong enough to handle anything life throws at you. It truely only makes you a stronger person.

You should know how both your fears aren't even remotely an issue for you.

You have awesome friends and they are your friends they think fondly of you. I understand going from with someone to single you often feel alone, but that's a lot different alone then not having the outstanding friends and family you have. They don't fill that gap in your life and that's probably whats eating you most. Sadly my advice is that takes time, so just keep going with your head up high.

The second, don't worry how people remember you, you got tons of time left. You are a good person and doing all you can so the people who know you respect you for that. Think about it, sure you are hurting but you are making it and things will get better. Most people would have cracked.

I know it's hard to be positive, but look at the people you know in life who are saying it's going to be ok on stable ground. You are doubting your self and it's ok to do so right now, just trust those who are mentally more planted at this time. They are your friends and if they say things are going to work out, they will.

Thanks for the kinds words everyone. It really means a lot to me. Especially right now.

Just a few updates, I guess.

I've met a few new girls and have been a few dates, nothing really special on the dates, just hanging out.

Girl number one we went to a Karaoke bar with her and her friends. I met a few friends and they seemed to like to me, so that\s a good sign. As karaoke was going was going, we were shooting some pool and well, I suck at pool. The night ended early for me due to work but we have been trying to figure out a time to hang out again because we are busy. But she definitely wants to see me again.

Girl number two, we just walked around town and talked, and that was it. Things were fun, and it was just relaxing. So we are trying to make plans again but things are just busy for me.

Lastly, I've been dealing with some kidney issues. I've been having constant pain in the right kidney so the doctors are trying to figure out what's up. I've had multiple urine tests, blood drawn, and even an ultra sound done and it all leads nowhere. This upcoming Monday, I am taking a ITV test and basically the night before I have to completely cleanse my system and on test day, they will be putting iodine through my system to pinpoint the problem. Hopefully they will find the problem and we can fix this.

So a few more ups and downs but hopefully things will start to level out or move forward.

Sorry to hear about the kidney. Hopefully this is not some voodoo magic, man.